Warning: this is supposed to be light in nature; expect a lot of generalising, sledging and possibly offensive (to some) and racially inappropriate material.
Fauna and Flora
- Kangaroos and wallabies: they may look adorable, but they can kill you - or your car, whichever's in the way first.
- Spiders: contrary to its looks, although huntsmen are massive, but they can't kill you (except by heart attack because of its size). Beware the red backs and funnel webs, though - they can and will. And don't think just because you're not in the countryside, you're safe - funnel webs are mainly found in Sydney suburbs...
- Snakes: every snake can kill you. The end.
- Platypus: every platypus has a poisonous claw. The end.
- Echidnas: they're spiky (and they have poison). Don't try touching them, or you're dead.
- Wombats: small, plump but they HAVE been known to injure people.
- Crocodiles: 'nuff said. Avoid NT or QLD rivers/creeks as much as possible.
- Cane toads: they're a pest in QLD. And they're poisonous.
- Koalas: you rarely see them outside a zoo. Don't try going through the whole country looking for one - they hide in trees.
- Dingoes: they kidnap and kill people. Especially small kids (no, that's not a joke - one made massive news headlines here)
- Don't think you're safe in the water either, unless you fancy sharks, box jellyfish and blue-ringed octopuses out for your blood.
Geography and Weather
- Almost 95% of our population lives on the coast, or not too far from it. No one lives in the middle of the country unless you want to die in the desert. Or unless you're an Aboriginal.
- Tasmania is a whole other world to us. No one lives there unless you're a greenie or retired.
- New Zealand is our unofficial ninth state/territory.
- Up north, it's tropics. Down south, you get four seasons in a day. Or in Tasmania, it's freezing all year round.
- Unless you live in ski resorts, we get no snow. We do get 40 degrees (Celsius)+ days quite common in summer, though. And rarely in minus territory unless you live in ski resorts.
- Availability of air con is never guaranteed.
- Despite guns being outlawed, you're never safe in this country: down south, you have massive bushfires that happen unexpectedly (usually because of idiot arsonists). Up north, you have massive cyclones. In the middle of country, you die of heat exhaustion. And floods are everywhere.
Language and Demography
- Contrary to popular belief, no one ever says "Crikey", "G'day" or "Mate" every so often in the cities unless you're a bogan. And even then you'd look like a stereotypical idiot. "Bloody", "bugger", "bastard", and "faggot" are, however, commonplace - the former two popularised by a well-known PSA and a car ad respectively. In short, very few people speak like Steve Irwin or Crocodile Dundee in daily conversation.
- We have a colourful selection of racial slang as a demonstration of our proud multicultural diversity:
- FOBs = Fresh Off Boat = international students, predominantly East/SE Asian. Can be found in inner cities close to the major universities (UoM, UNSW, USyd) or in meat factories/fruit farms on cheap labor (formally known as "holiday visas").
- Chinks = Chinese. Going out of fashion as more and more cashed up Chinese investors arrive jacking up house prices everywhere.
- Lebbos and Wogs = Italians, Greeks, Eastern European, Mediterranean descent (former literally means Lebanese, but not always the case). Can be distinguished by their tarted-up Evos, WRXs and Commodores with FULLY SIK SUBWOOFAS (oversized sound systems), doing burnouts and hanging around kebab/souvlaki vans.
- Bogans = Aussies of a lower socio-economic status. Generally highly nationalistic, wears nothing but tube tops, tank tops and sandals (or, more commonly, no footwear). Almost always drives a ute with an Australian flag adorned on top.
- For a more complete look on the life of a bogan, refer here
- Abbos = The indigenous people of Australia, the Aborigines. Heavily marginalised by the rest of society in general, unless you're one of the lucky few.
- Refugees/asylum seekers = technically referring to those who are fleeing persecution, but in modern times has been extended to anyone who is of African, Iranian/Afghan or Burmese/Cambodian descent.
- Pommies = The British
- Yanks/Seppos = Americans (from the US of A)
- Kiwis = people from UN ZUD
- Thanks to popular media like Azaria Chamberlain (refer to dingoes above) and Wolf Creek, beware anyone who lives in the outback. Or Northern Territory in general.
- Besides English, Chinese, Vietnamese, Italian and Greek are our secondary national languages.
States and Cities
- Canberra is our capital. Except it's a hole and nothing of interest, unless you're really smart (ANU, CSIRO) or working as a civil servant/in government.
- Sydney is a tourist trap.
- Melbourne is like Sydney, only more hipster. And less Lebbos. But more wogs. And gangland criminals.
- Gold Coast is for rich people, Japanese tourists or, more importantly, drunken school finishers.
- Brisbane is for bogans. Or for those who think Sydney and Melbourne are too big for their own good - size and ego-wise.
- No one lives in Perth unless you're working in the mining industry.
- Most people forget that Adelaide exists.
- See previous discussion on Tasmania.
- Darwin is for American soldiers and Aborigines.
Politics and the Economy
- Contrary to what international media makes us out to be, despite our vast mineral resources and natural wealth, we have the most hopeless and incompetent government across all first world countries to manage it all, no matter which party is in power.
- A brief description of our major parties:
- Liberal/Coalition (ruling party as of writing): conservative, right-wing, borderline nationalistic and ruled by miners (mainly Forrest, Rinehart, BHP/Rio Tinto - Palmer has his own party now) and News Ltd. Doesn't spend enough. Anti-homosexuality rights.
- Labor: secretly ruled by labor unions, often plagued with corruption scandals. Spends too much. Indifferent to homosexuality rights.
- Greens: environmental hipsters that commonly presents alternative solutions with no real economically feasible way of delivering it. Pro-homosexuality rights.
- Hung parliaments are common. Vested interests rule and interfere with decision-making far too often. Question Time is, in particular, a circus show or stand-up comedy depending on your perspective of things. (And for you Brits out there, yes, it's far worse than your version).
- Like America, we have federal and state governments, each with their own sets of legislation. The federal government is in control over certain areas (e.g. tax), whilst in others it's the state's responsibility (e.g. education). More often than not, the states constantly lock horns with the federal government over various issues. So in the end, nothing gets done.
- Everything is expensive here. Mostly aided by our heavily slant economy (towards mining), poor work practices, long shipping distances from the rest of the world, the middle-class Chinese and various labor union pressures. International branded imports (e.g. Apple electronics, software, import fashion labels, etc.) have a so-called "Australia tax", jacking up the prices compared to overseas. A curse of our comparatively high average salary (~$70k AUD p.a.).
- We have universal healthcare and compulsory superannuation, although our taxes are comparatively high (46.5% marginal tax rate at the top of the income table). Conversely, we have government subsidies for just about everything.
Infrastructure
- Air travel is cheap (at least between the major cities), thanks to the bloody and public war between Qantas and Virgin Australia, as well as the influx of low cost carriers (Jetstar, Tiger) and international airlines (Emirates, Singapore, AirAsia) potentially sending Qantas to the scrap heap in the sky.
- In contrast, public transport is expensive in every city. Not only expensive, but unreliable - 10 min intervals between trains or buses is already a godsend. Network coverage is terrible. Maintenance and safety is just as much a worry, too, as this neatly explains. And forget travelling by train interstate, unless you like the idea of slow train rides in a worn-out carriage.
- Power and gas is expensive due to, depending on who you talk to, 1) General cost pressures (as described previously) or 2) The carbon tax (if you're Liberal).
- Your choice of mobile phone carrier depends on how rich you are. Student or no money? Vodafone. Too much money, living in the country or corporate big-wig? Telstra. Optus sits in the middle.
- Internet speeds are either super slow (1.5Mbit/s) or fairly quick if you're lucky (100Mbit/s). Because of our inability to get things done without costs blowing out or political blame games happening, despite it being under construction, don't count on mass fibre optic internet being available for a while.
Food and Drink
- Yes, we eat Vegemite. Contrary to belief, however, not everyone loves it - this writer included.
- National food: if you live in sports stadiums, meat pies and sausages. Or, if you're from Melbourne, pho. Or, if you live in factories, dim sums and fish & chips.
- No one likes Starbucks here except students: our coffee is better than everywhere else in the world except Italy.
- National beer: depends on state. Victoria? VB. Queensland? XXXX. NSW? Tooheys. If you're a bit prissy, Crown Lager. One thing's for sure: NO ONE drinks Fosters.
Sports
- Australia, in particular Victoria, is in love with a game that is a virtual unknown everywhere else in the world: Aussie Rules (AFL), or more vernacularly known as "footy". The rough nature of it makes NFL look like a game for women - and even then, we have a women's league too. You cannot be called an "Australian" if you do not barrack (support) for a footy team.
- ...unless you live in NSW or QLD, where rugby rules the roost. And even then, Melbourne Storm is kicking ass.
- ...unless you're classified as a "lebbo" or "wog", in which case you probably prefer A-League (soccer) instead.
- When it's summer, cricket takes over. And the anti-Pom/NZ/Indian sentiment kicks in. Beware if you're Brit and the Ashes are on.
- As for more "global" sports, Australia used to have a "glorious age" of sports (late '90s, early '00s) - we dominated swimming, parts of athletics for e.g. With the new generation, however, we've lost the edge, instead having been given up to drugs and partying. Oh, and the lack of sports funding.
- NFL, EPL/UEFA/other European leagues and the NBA have a small following, but more for the middle-class and up who actually know of its existence. MLB are a virtual unknown, despite recent events.
Media and Popular Culture
- Fortunately, we have no equivalent of Fox News. However, it's a different story when it comes to newspapers:
- Right-wing - News Ltd (Herald Sun, Daily Telegraph, The Australian)
- Left-wing - Fairfax Media (The Age, Sydney Morning Herald)
- Addendum to the above - our national broadcaster (ABC) could be considered left-wing, even though it's technically not supposed to. Which infuriates Abbott and the rest of the Liberals. In reality, no one else really cares.
- Every other TV channel that isn't government owned is tabloid-y in nature. Don't go looking for serious news coverage (or anything that requires actual thinking). But they're perfect for the Kardashians, self-promotions of their own TV shows (refer to 4th bullet point) or anything to do with the footy.
- Subscription TV is a virtual monopoly.
- Australians also have a fetish for anything royal family (UK) related. No, not the Queen or Prince Charles - rather, everyone else in the family.
- Australians devour cooking, talent and home improvement reality TV shows like a rabid pig. Expect Aussies glued to their TV screens if MasterChef or The Voice comes on.
- Despite so-called "multicultural diversity" and our proximity with Asia, Australian popular culture is still heavily biased towards anything white. This applies for both visual and audio content. Anything Asian is treated as a fringe minority interest. And heaven forbid you love anime or anything Japanese - you're immediately classified as a nerd (And when I mean anime, I mean "DBZ" or "Bleach" or "Naruto"...) and instant suspicion of any other ulterior motive that may or may not attract the attention of the AFP.
- The exception is PSY and anything Korean. Then you're seen as somewhat more "normal" than the anime nerd.
- Into Chinese pop culture? Immediate lumping into the fob category (see definition above).
- Forget China or some other Asian country: Australians are one of the biggest pirates in the world. Particularly if your show initials are GoT or BB.
- Locally, the Minogues are viewed as way past their prime. Ditto Goodrem, Kidman, Crowe and Jackman.
- In short, no different to your typical Western society.
International Relations
- Australian dignitaries embarrass themselves on the world stage. More often than not, we like to think we're "leading the world" with our egos, when in fact we're the laughing stock of the international community. And, in the of our neighbours Indonesia or PNG, the cause of much hate. Protip: don't mention imprisoned druggies or asylum seekers.
- Australia can be described as the hopeless male lead in a typical eroge/harem situation between China and USA - China, of course, being the cashed up, S&M-loving tsundere, devouring our jewellery (minerals) and jacking up our prices (property); America the clingy, childhood friend that nags it everyday for things (military bases, copyright legislation, pop culture).
- It also has an intense rivalry relationship with NZ and the UK. Media pissing matches are quite common between the two countries.
- How do Australians view the rest of the world?
- Canada: a more tolerable version of the USA, and with Whistler
- Japan: cheap skiing, weird everything else, hates whales
- Korea: home of plastic surgery and Gangnam Style
- Germany: cheap beer, fast roads
- Italy and Greece: VFR
- Thailand: PARTY TIME. And lady boys.
- Singapore: an English version of Asia.
- Netherlands: legally getting high and laid
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